Her (screenplay)

  • SAMANTHA: Well, I don’t know, when we were looking at those people, I fantasized that I was walking next to you - and that I had a body.
  • (laughing)
  • I was listening to what you were saying, but simultaneously, I could feel the weight of my body and I was even fantasizing that I had an itch on my back--
  • (she laughs)
  • And I imagined that you scratched it for me - this is so embarrassing.
  • Theodore laughs.
  • THEODORE: There’s a lot more to you than I thought. There’s a lot going on in there.

life changing decisions/family happiness

Been so busy recently. My mind is just about overflowing. Seems like everything that could go wrong did, in the past week.

So many incidents in the past week. The knife incident by qrf , tactical positioning mistakes, bail fuck up by chor and his understudy, fandi’s case, exchanging of handcuffs, and still personally reeling from earlier in the week when jesudevan suddenly addressed me directly after a particularly long and intense mediation session in chambers. Still not sure if he was praising or criticising or what. I was alone and parties were pretty much nearly shouting and uncooperative. I had to intervene. But at the end of the day, is it still to the judge’s discretion? Should I have waited until he prompted me to step in? Idk if I did the right thing.

So many high profile cases to attend to. After city harvest, here comes town council and NEA. Which means minsters, crowds, media. So little room for error. And to top it off there’s the runs to Fort canning, pearl’s hill park, zouk, parliament, after work. By the time I get home, I’m flat out when I hit the bed until 5 the next day when the cycle repeats itself. Sometimes nak mandi pun tk sempat. Terus ko. But that’s not what’s keeping me up now.

Had a family talk today. Laid everything on the table. Now everyone knows what’s going with each other. It’s been approximately one year since the stroke. Speech hasn’t recovered yet nor has full mobility. They don’t want to say it but realistically, I don’t think he’s going back to work. The old man’s done. There’s no insurance because of the medical history of diabetes and the family background.

We’re heavily in debt. Credit cards arrears, personal loans. Turns out when business was good, it’s all ok. But when business was bad, he made sure we never knew. And all along I was just living my life. Saw a letter from quantum law corporation the other day, on the table, warning that potential legal action would be taken if payment was still to be defaulted on. I didn’t say anything then. I’m glad she came clean now.

She has suspected breast cancer. Going to be warded sometime in November. Facing a lot of stress what with psle marking going on and office politics. Turns out the new vp’s a real bitch and opposing the transfer to rulang because rulang and jurong are supposedly rival schools. It’s just so she can continue taking advantage of her. She freaking taught for 20 over years at the same school! Is this what loyalty and dedication gets you? If so, it’s a shitty deal. I hope you fucking rot in hell. I remember when she had to teach at staircases because there wasn’t enough classrooms back when jurong merged with Boon Lay primary and moved to its new site. Now you’re freaking branding her a traitor. All the years of dealing with kids from fucked up families and now moving from a ‘neighbourhood’ school to a different school is called being a traitor. Anyway, I guess it was too much to expect one woman to be able to handle everything on her own. After the stroke, I pretty much left all the finances, housework to her. I realise now she knows no more than I do.

I really have been living way too carefree a life. House still has bout 20 plus years to fully pay off. I guess I kinda knew that at the back of my mind but I never confronted it like now. Going to have to sell it at the end of next year. It’s too big to be maintained. Plus now that my grandmother’s no longer living with us and we don’t have a maid anymore… Aw man I know nothing of selling and buying houses and liasing with estate agents. I know a private semi-d can go upwards of 1 mill but what if I get scammed? I have no idea of the prevailing market conditions for private home prices. With her income bracket, we’re probably eligible for a five room flat. They won’t let us go for a four or lower. And a condo is just ridiculous. There’s the monthly payments for facilities we’ll never use. My mom wants clementi but the problem is clementi is expensive. Housing in jurong is cheaper cos it’s more ‘ulu’. There’s still my sister to consider. She’ll still be schooling. Oh and there’s still the tax for moving from private to a government subsided residence too which is the stamp duty I think. I have no idea how that works too.

Lastly, there’s the whole reason for the family meeting. My sis is failing in SCGS. Apparently, final year exams are over. The principal called my mom up to request an urgent meeting on tues. It’s either she gets kicked out of the IP program or out of SCGS altogether. That’s up to the principal. So tues is kinda for mitigation. The kind of thing where at this point, what you say doesn’t really matter anymore. But they’ll still let you say it. So meeting was called today cos my mom couldn’t stop trembling at work upon getting the call and the two elder brothers are to be consulted on how to best help.

I faced the same shit back in sji. I was almost retaining back in sec 3 and sec 4. that was a real messed up period I remember with shame. Only difference was I never asked any help, nor did I get any. It was sink or swim. Either you make it or you don’t. And I barely remained afloat all throughout. But I guess you can’t do the same for her. So now what? Stay in SC IP, drop to the o level route, retain, transfer? Personally I’m in favour of the o level route but then again I’m biased.

But even with all this on my plate, idk for some reason I really relish it. When I think about all these problems, I have a lot of mixed emotions. I’m not going to lie, first I heard of this I was kinda happy and exhilarated . Which is kinda fucked up. But I love it when the odds are stacked. The challenge makes it so much more fun and interesting. I don’t really know how to communicate this feeling. It’s like a real pressure to strive, to survive, excel. To conquer. If not, there’s a dull pressure but no real compulsion. The harder things get, the more there is the drive to triumph. I was ready to struggle, to take on the challenge. But now the rush has kinda worn off by now. I’ll take things one at a time. Things going to be more or less unchanged for now. Man man.

Expectations ≠ Reality

got used to this fact ages ago. still doesn’t stop my brain from building up fantasies in my head only for them to crumble later. can’t believe how hard I wanted this to work, how I thought I finally stumbled across the perfect plan and ideal gift for you. I have a feeling this won’t turn out great. It’ll be just ok. Not great. But that’s ok too. Yang penting, dia happy.

and so castles made of sand, melts into the sea, eventually.

and I fucking hate myself so damn much

recently I’ve been haunted by this image of me from back when I was in camp. it keeps lingering at the back of my mind like a snapshot that refuses to fade.

it’s me, when I was botak.

I used to wake up every morning at 5 before the rest of the guys woke up to brush my teeth and shave. at that hour, i pretty much had the whole of the level 1 toilet to myself. I would take my time brushing my teeth and shaving while the rest of the guys slowly started streaming in.

I keep seeing myself in that moment.

the image keeps recurring in my subconscious. I’m wearing a white singlet and pt pants. I’m standing there, in front of the sink, staring at myself in the mirror. the hands are gripping tight to the sink countertop.

But it’s me, and the same time it’s not me.

He looks like me but it’s not me. The hairstyle is a number one, maybe after two weeks not shaving. The guy looks fiercer, looks more angry somehow. he’s more muscular and the shoulder muscles, traps and forearms are popping out as he grips the countertop.

but the gaze… its a blank stare the guy is giving to the mirror and the reflection reflects that. his eyes are dull. maybe even sad. I recognise it for myself but at the same time, it’s not me. The hair is wrong. The eyes are wrong. The body is wrong. I look at myself in the mirror now and I can’t recognise myself then. but I still see that image, of that guy gazing into the mirror while his reflection stares back, stuck in that moment, maybe for all eternity.

I don’t understand. What does it mean? Why do I keep seeing this image?