Ex parte basis

Living between highs and lows. Haven’t been training much (or at all) recently. I feel like I’ve been eating way too much and training too little. I keep telling myself next week I’ll start. But I never do.

I’m not sure what to think about work now. Some days are good, some days are bad. Why is it work instead of ns? I guess because it is a daily job after all. That’ll make it my very first job. I never did work before. Always busy studying full time. As far as jobs go i guess it’ll be pretty lousy considering the working hours and the pay. But for NS, I guess it’s not too bad. Every morning when I wake up at 5, I dread going to work. But once I reach and around 9 when work actually starts, it doesn’t feel so bad anymore.

I don’t really have much to complain about. It’s not physically draining, I don’t have to stay in and I get to go home daily. The only thing I guess is the working hours. But at this point, I feel lucky if I get to go home before 7. Going home at 10/11+ on mon and tues this week really changed my perspective. I’ve become more accepting that it ends whenever they say it ends.

Things are looking up I guess. The pressure is a little lesser and I’m not getting shit daily anymore. So I’m taking each day as it comes. There were times when I came in that I felt being in HTA was better, after getting tekan and humiliated in front of both teams and in front of Alpha daily, being the only new and most junior ns officer. But it happens to everyone and some apparently had it worse so it’s all good. South Korea’s military seems to be having a problem with its conscripts. A lot of suicide cases and of officers snapping. I don’t really have any comment. They probably have it much worse, being technically still at war. I also heard a few scdf cases in court going awol because officer felt he was being tekan and kena aimed by his superiors. All I can say is that I’ve learnt from NS that you either bend or break. And I’ve learnt to bend. It’s amazing how humans have the capacity to adapt no matter how hard their living conditions are. I read that somewhere before.

I wonder what its like to live in a uni dorm? Is it anything like HTA? I have a lot of plans and dreams for the future but none for the present.

I saw this prosecutor that was just so damn cute I can’t even. It’s pretty funny. I’m not really the type to look out for chicks or try to pick up the COs like the rest of the guys. But that prosecutor… She wasn’t even the typical pretty head-turning model type. Rather she was short and cute with a huge smile. Cair uh. I just felt like lifting her onto the prosecutor’s table and just… Anyway I’m getting too explicit. Must maintain pls.

Jealousy and envy still creeps up from time to time. It swings from jealousy to anger (at myself for being so affected) and finally the stage where I don’t really mind or care which is normally the default state. Looking back I then find it funny that I was so concerned in the first place. It’s getting to a point that it’s ridiculous. I still don’t understand why. I realise I’ve wrote quite a bit on this only to delete it afterwards. Hopefully this will be the final word. I want to let the matter rest. I hope you’re happy anyway.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be sad.

then I put him back,
but he’s still singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

Charles Bukowski, Bluebird

Societal pressures pt 2

Can I write this w/o sounding too much like a NY Times op-ed article? I’ll try. And there’s no pt 1 because I deleted part 1.

On being a Malay guy in a predominantly non-malay world.

Can I still follow my own path? Feel like I’m being pulled in different directions now. Ever since I’ve finished A’s for some reason, the race card keeps appearing. I just want to go along doing whatever I want k.

On one side, there’s MENDAKI. It’s telling me, “Good job on your A level results! Now accept our commendation award and give back to your damn community. Come to our ceremony and shake hand with ministers! So we can tell the world we’re not totally useless.” I keep feeling this obligation to do more, be more. My brother met this girl in his uni camp and she said she knew who I was. Because my essays are passed around by the teachers to their classes. But if I met the girl, I probably wouldn’t have a clue who she is which makes me feel pretty bad. Then my mom has this understudy in Jurong who’s going to be studying teaching and on attachment. I’ve never even heard of her name. But she’s says she knows who I am and that my lit is very good. The worst thing is that she says I’m arrogant because I don’t mix around with the Malay community in AJ. The truth is, I’m just really socially awkward and I don’t really make friends that easily. But it makes me feel terrible to find out this way that people are badmouthing me behind my back.

There’s also the thought that I have to do well because of that. I feel like I can’t ever drop law because people will say “You have to continue! Do you have any idea how few Malay lawyers there are?” And it’s true because apparently in SMU law there’s only 3 or 4 other Malay students. I imagine it’s much harder to be a female Malay law student. I have to do well. I have to succeed. I’m not just doing it for myself but I’m carrying an entire race behind me. Or at least that’s what they’re telling me.

I didn’t bother applying for any scholarships because I didn’t want the pressure of having to do well every single time. But why is it there’s already pressure?

Medicine, law, business. Society’s idea of success.

It really shouldn’t be a big issue. I always liked Alfian Sa’at’s writings but always felt he was too fixated on race. But I think he felt the same pressures only much worse.

I told a friend about my interview a while back. He told me “wow it’s like being a black man in America.” I hated that comparison. Hated the parallels it drew. But I know it’s somewhat true.

Have you read “Mr Mercedes?” it’s like being Jerome in white America.

If this was a black op-ed piece, I’ll title it ‘The struggles of a sub-urban upper-middle class African-American in post-Obama America.” But it’s not.

I’m thinking of the MENDAKI Scholarship. Should I apply? I’ll be obligated to perform mandatory hours of community service and start giving back to MY community. I still have one half years to decide and applying doesn’t mean I’ll get it anyway.

I grew up in a predominantly non-malay environment. Which means no soccer at void decks, no matrep friends, no underage sex, no minah girlfriends and no smoking in the toilets. For the first time, I’m in a predominantly Malay environment. And it revolves around clubbing, Geylang, alcohol, smoking and bikes. And it’s kinda disappointing. And I still don’t feel like I fit in.