As it has been said:
Love and a cough
cannot be concealed.
Even a small cough.
Even a small love.
I like how I can see the moon from my bedroom window. How I can just lie here enjoying the stillness of the night. I like how big and empty the house feels. Or how I can just wander through the house, to sit at the dining table with a cup of coffee and a book. It’s way too busy in the mornings and afternoons. Haven’t had a night like this in a while. Been sleeping early recently thanks to work. It’s quite a nice feeling. I am quite tired. But I want to enjoy this night.
I really don’t know why I’m feeling so fucking miserable. I thought it’ll go away once I wake up but I’m still here feeling like shit. I can’t help thinking about yesterday. I’m gonna try writing about it again. I can’t really pen down the feeling but I need to get it out.
1. I still can’t stand hearing you talk about other guys. I hate hearing how so many guys would chase you and do things for you, things I never would have thought of or would have done myself. I never kept it a secret that I hated hearing when you talked about your other guy friends. But I still can’t figure out why and that’s what bothering me so much. If I were to reach deep down inside and really examine myself, I can honestly say we’re just friends. I could look you in the eye and say that, no issue. So why does hearing about other guys bother me? Logically and rationally, I should be happy for you. Happy that you have this network around you. But I’m not. I just feel a feeling akin to jealousy but not quite. But there’s no rational reason for me to be jealous since I see you as a friend, nothing more. That’s what I’m trying to figure out. It’s a feeling that goes against my brain, against my wishes. Ever since we were going home together a year or two back, you would always tell me about the different guys chasing you. I really wish I could help, give advice, be interested in your problems. But honestly all I really feel is fucking tortured and I don’t know why. We can go for long periods of time where we don’t even talk, don’t even meet, where the thought of you doesn’t even cross my mind. But it seems like when we do, you always manage to punch a hole right through me. And the worst part is that it’s unintentional.
2. You say it’s because I’m lonely. You say it’s because I haven’t found someone. But I don’t think thats the case. It’s not like if I get attached, the world magically becomes a better place. I don’t think that’ll solve anything. The problem lies in me. I can see it, I can recognise it, but I have no idea how to rectify it because it refuses to listen to logic and rational thought.
I guess it’s somewhat true that I’m lonely. Even when I’m with a group of friends, I just feel so terribly alone. I hate to admit it because it’s so unmanly and makes me feel like a fucking pussy. But the truth is, even when I’m with a group of friends, no matter who, I just feel so tired, lethargic and dead. It tires the fuck out of me just to meet with a small group of people and that’s really pathetic. I just feel so isolated and alone.
But it’s just so ridiculous to suppose that because of that, I fall for my friends instead. It makes me really afraid now and it’s really selfish but honestly, I would rather cut loose now and lose my friends than torture myself like this for no justifiable reason. Because I know it’s only going to get worse from here on. If such a small thing bothers me, what more when they all move on with their lives while I’m still stuck here. To be honest, I’m fucking afraid. I’ll really rather just forget them than wait for the inevitable torture because anyway if I can’t get rid of the feeling, it doesn’t really make me a worthy friend to have anw. I don’t see how I can keep you without causing harm to myself. I’m afraid that it’ll happen again only to someone else this time. I’m afraid of getting too attached to my friends. I’ll rather lose that friendship if that happens. I just hope you can understand. And I hope that someday you’ll forgive me if that happens.
3. I can’t help thinking about that story. About that SC who was fine on the outside, did all his work regularly, showed up on time and all. Gave supervisors no trouble. But one day while he was armed, he drew his revolver from his holster, and went and shot himself. They couldn’t figure out why at the time. It was only later they found out of his relationship issues. I can just imagine how it would look like from the eyes of everyone else. The bewilderment, shock and confusion when someone they least expected to killed himself. The lack of an apparent motive. They never guesssed, never suspected the poor guy’s problems.
Lately I find myself reading merely because I have nothing better to do. I can’t seem to find the pleasure or joy I used to in reading anymore. I haven’t been training for about 3 months+ now. I have no hobbies, no passions to speak of that I really care about. I don’t really have any goals, any aims to work towards now. It was easier in jc. Top the class, top the cohort, be the best I can be, train hard. I don’t know what to work for anymore now. And to be honest, I’m really not even that interested in reading law anymore.
I guess I’m in a slump but I’m confident that this too will pass. I just hope it does so soon.
I don’t love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I know no other way
than this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.
Do you know that you appear in my dreams?
Conversations with regulars
Initially, I found it pretty hard to connect with the regulars due to the age gap. With the ns officers it was no problem. Very easy to make friends. But hard to find commonalities w the orang lama. Really awkward for me.
But once you get to know them it’s really pretty easy. I have a bad habit of deleting some of my old posts because I don’t like rereading them while in a different state of mind. But some lessons shouldn’t be forgotten.
Anw we got to talking about his son who’s going to p1 and he was asking me about parenting and stuff. Like how I was brought up. What my parents did. The thing that really struck me was this.
"for me, my son doesn’t have to be at the top of the class, but I don’t want him to be at the bottom also you know. Just average can already. As long as he don’t end up at the bottom, he can do any job he wants to ah, if he can go uni that’s a bonus ah but not a must. As long as he don’t end up here ah, in this court, I happy already. Just don’t turn up here. "
Hit me because I think that’s precisely what my dad wanted for me also. Only he never said it to me. I didn’t really need to strive for excellence and all because he didn’t really care. It struck me because sometimes, deep down I find myself needing validation for whatever I do. Means that I’m not really doing it for myself but because I want the recognition from my parents. To tell me they’re proud of me. To make them happy. But it’s actually pretty true. They don’t really care how well you do or stuff. As long as you don’t get into trouble, good enough. Anything beyond that is superfluous. Bonus but not necessary. I just never really saw it from a parent’s point of view before.